Godless Ontarians Whipped Us

Like many westerners, I was disappointed with the national election results. My hope was for an Alliance Party minority government or, failing that, at least the reduction of the Liberals from a majority to a minority position, from which vantage point they might learn a bit of respect for us, the great unwashed.

However all governments, new or old, rich or poor, right or left and right or wrong, have the same predilection for lying, cheating and stealing, so the fact there was to be no change of titles in Ottawa didn’t cast me into permanent mental decline. The morning after I was able to sit up in bed and take a nice hot cup of tea and, with one thing and another, my day developed pretty well exactly like the day before the election.

That was not true for all. For Report Newsmagazine, the election results were ruin, red rain and revulsion, catastrophe times ten. If columnist Ted Byfield is to be believed, even Jesus wept when the Canadian votes were counted.

In newspaper tradition “Jesus Wept” is the two word headline which is supposed to sum up the entire Christian Bible. Few of us ever expected to see it applied to a Canadian election.

The whole magazine wore crepe in its election news edition.

Columnist Ian Hunter, writing from University Western Ontario, declared that if a minority of votes in Western Canada could not prevail against a majority of votes in his part of the nation, then democracy just wasn’t working. “Message to The West: Leave While You Can, There’s No Intelligent Life Down Here.”

Well, if you can’t win an election, secession is certainly one way out and thank you, Professor Hunter, for your insight. However you are, pardon us, only a columnist; columnists like us are common as maggots on old meat. What say Report Magazine’s editors?

What they said made the December 18, 2000 AD issue a collector’s item, worthy of being pressed into the family Bible amid rose petals and poison ivy leaves.

For years the magazine editors have said the only trouble with Canada was Quebec and those Frenchmen grabbing all our money. Overnight they discovered a new menace to national health: Ontario.

“What’s Wrong with Ontario?” was the message blazoned on the magazine cover and repeated under the words “The Ontario Curse” inside, as the main story of the issue.

The accursed Ontarians had ignored Report Magazine’s instruction as to how to vote. They had done it twice before but this time Report’s editors could see no hope of salvation for the country’s biggest, wealthiest and most populous province. After a year of heavy campaigning and the spending of many sponduliks, Alliance had increased its vote by only 2 per cent, to 23 per cent. “At that rate, the party can expect to win the province and the country in about half a century.”

Report’s editors are left brain thinkers, not right brainers. They are good at arithmetic but they lack the great leap of intuition which leads men to glory. With more imagination, they could have seen that a huge difference in Ontario voting patterns could be made within a single decade by mass castration of all males younger than 70. Or, if we can’t do it with the knife, because of some silly United Nations world government poofery, we might be able to introduce something to Ontario’s drinking water which would prevent conception of any more of those rotten little anti-Alliance voters.

Many such actions might serve. Anything except abortions. The Report opposes abortion, even for the worthy purpose of winning elections and making Canada a safe haven for Christians. But surely some researchers could be looking into such ideas as poisoning wells down East, couldn’t they?

In a final summing up, magazine founder Ted Byfield identifies the essential problem with Ontario people They hate Jesus and his Canadian representative, Pastor Day,

That’s why they voted two to one for sleaze and rot rather than subject themselves to the ministrations of a practising Christian.

I have a suggestion for Mr. Day, whom I admire. With a friend like Report Magazine, you don’t need an enemy.

January/01